Some Dates

Time is flying by, as usual, and here are some momentous dates that are sneaking up on me:

• This Sunday, August 30th, I turn 30! Um, where did the last decade go?! It's not that I feel "old" turning 30, it's just that I feel like I got here so fast. I was considering writing some "30 Days Till 30" posts that would be full of the insights I've gained in the last 3 decades and goals for the next 10 years, but that obviously didn't happen! I don't think I have 30 such posts in me. Plus I don't know what happened to August, but I would have had to start that quite some time ago! Oh well. Here's what I have to say about turning thirty:

I am looking forward to my 30's; enjoying my children, becoming (hopefully) a wiser and better wife, growing in understanding and love towards my husband, and deepening my walk with the Lord, my understanding of what it is to be IN CHRIST and to be KNOWN by Him. I am praying that my wisdom and grace will grow with my age; that I will take up my cross to follow Christ and be a blessing to those around me even more in my 30's than I have yet. I am looking forward to the crown of wisdom that comes with gray hair (although I'm not technically looking forward to getting actual gray hair)!


• I will be 33 weeks pregnant at the end of this week. Um, where did the last 32 weeks of pregnancy go?! This pregnancy has really flown by, I'm sure in part because of how busy I am now with the other children. I used to be able to tell you exactly how far along I was to the day, and now I'm lucky if I know within 3 weeks! But it hit me recently that I have roughly 8 (probably more like 9 since I'm pretty sure I'll go overdue) weeks until our baby will be here! Oh my gosh, we need another car seat and that double stroller and I need to wash and fold all the baby clothes again and figure out where in the world the boys are going to sleep and buy birth supplies and... okay, maybe it's not that pressing, but up until now I've been thinking "we have forever" until the baby comes and now it doesn't seem like forever anymore. I have had to face the reality that I'm going to have to go through LABOR to get this baby OUT (it's still a daunting thought, even after 4 times!) and that I will, God willing, be holding my BABY in 2 months (it's still a blissful thought, even after 4 times!) The reality of this pregnancy and this baby is finally setting in, and I'm excited!


• Next week is the last week before we START SCHOOL!!! Um, where did the summer go?!?! Wow, I need to organize the school room and make lesson plans and buy supplies and make schedules that I never end up keeping and figure out how to homeschool with two toddlers and a newborn (anyone have any help with this one?) and PRAY for more grace and wisdom and patience for the upcoming year than I think is humanly possible. But I am excited for this upcoming year as well. Grace will be in 5th grade and I'm really pumped for all the reading and learning we'll be doing together.

All these things are a bit daunting, yet also full of excitement and expectancy. I am trusting God as I move toward turning 30, having my 5th baby, and teaching another year of school, to be my Rock of Habitation, to which I may continually come. (Psalm 71:3)

Brothers

These two boys are very different, but both so funny and so much fun! We've often wondered what Matthias would have been like and what life would be like with him here. Moses and Judah have enriched our lives incredibly since the loss of Matthias, but they can never take his place. Matthias will always be missed while we walk this earth.

Moses looking through his "glasses."

Summer haircuts.

Cute boys!

Moses doing his cheesy smile for the camera,
and Judah much more reserved. I want to eat them both!

Matthias' Grave

So, it's been 4 years and we just this last week put in Matthias' permanent grave marker. It's a long story why it's taken so long, including, among other things, problems with the cemetery and my own issues with finding/designing/affording exactly the right stone. Matthias' grave is the only thing on earth I have to care for and tend for him. I could not feel happy putting a Precious Moments angel with the words "Playing in God's Garden" on it. I had in my mind what I wanted and it had to be just right. And - finally!- it is.

Richard and I both felt badly that there's only been a temporary marker at Matthias' grave for this long, but the very special thing that has come as a result is that Matthias' two little brothers were able to help Richard and Grace install the headstone! It was so precious and dear to watch all three kids work on it.

Some of you who were at Matthias' funeral may remember that Richard had the privilege and blessing of digging his son's grave. That was very unexpected, but it turned out to be something Richard has treasured - being able to work and sweat in the August heat just one time for his firstborn son. Well, installing the gravestone was a blessing, too, which Grace and I both felt well. To be able to do something so concrete here on earth for our son and brother seemed right and good.

Here are the pictures of us installing Matthias' grave marker and how it looks now:

Richard digging the space

Then the kids filled it part way with gravel to give it a firm foundation

Patting it smooth

Measuring the depth

Now some sand on top of the gravel to make the foundation very level and smooth

Richard dropped the stone in using nylon straps, in case he had to take it out again

Making sure it's level

The grass around it should grow back in quickly.

These are images of Matthias' actual handprints and footprints,
and part of Isaiah 40:11, which is a verse dear to my heart.

Grace remembering and missing her brother

I often take pictures of the kids at this monument when we visit Matthias' grave.

Grace wrote this poem and placed it by the grave:

MATTHIAS
by Grace

Matthias is born!
Let us sound the horn!

He has the sweetest little body,
I doubt he will be naughty.

He is so very sweet,
He will always be a treat.

But now he is dead,
But God is the Head.

I will always miss my brother,
Even though I have another.

Matthias Paul Mailly
8.9.05 - 8.10.05

Safe in Jesus

Blessings

I got a call today from a friend who just wanted to tell me that she was thinking of me during this time. It was such a blessing to have someone remember Matthias' birthday and to call and offer her love and support to me.

After four years, I begin to wonder if anyone else remembers that sweet little baby who grew inside me for 9 months, who was in this world for 36 hours. It always blesses my heart when someone mentions Matthias or speaks his name or remembers him in any way.

We were so incredibly blessed by the outpouring of love and support we received after Matthias died. For weeks and weeks we received cards and emails and phone calls, and that was part of what God used to sustain us in that time of grief. But now we have walked through that intense grief to a place of healing and even joy in remembering Matthias and his precious time with us, so we aren't in need of that kind of support.

However, there are a few people in my life who continue to remember Matthias every year, who call or send a card or email just to tell me they know and remember and care. I am so thankful for them! They are not afraid to hear me speak of my sadness or to enter into it to a certain extent. And they give me this double gift: caring for me in a time of grief, and remembering my little baby with me.

Thank you, dear friends!

Remembering Matthias

It will be four years on Sunday since our sweet baby Matthias left our arms and went to the arms of Jesus, and as always this is a hard week, and month, for me. The memories flood back so quickly and although I am not walking through that intense pain anymore (thank God that He brings us through that to a place of healing!), even the memory of it is painful. I feel sure that there will be a deep sadness in my heart forever, until the day when "He will wipe away every tear from our eyes; and there will no longer be any death; there will no longer be any mourning, or crying, or pain." (Revelation 21:4) Until then I hold a grief that has been comforted but not erased.

Yesterday was Matthias' due date and I remember it coming and going, four years ago, and wondering if I would be pregnant forever. I didn't know that in four more days I would meet my baby and in five more days I would let him go again. What would we do if we knew beforehand of the suffering that about to come upon us?

I'm sure I'll be posting more in the coming days, but I wanted to share a few things. First, here is Matthias' story. I would be honored if you would read it if you haven't already, and share in his life and death with me.

Also, here is a photo montage of his brief life and images of his precious face:

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Since Matthias' death, I have been receiving newsletters from a wonderful organization called M.E.N.D (Mothers Enduring Neonatal Death). A recent issue of their newsletter was about sibling grief and Grace wrote and submitted her thoughts on losing her brother. You can download the issue in pdf and read it here.

Lastly, I read today the blog of a family from our church who recently lost their only son at nine months old. Some of the events of little Micah's death reminded me of when Matthias died, such as having to make the decision to remove life support and then holding your son as his spirit leaves his body. My heart goes out to these bereft parents as they struggle through their grief. Would you take a moment to read about their sweet Micah, say a prayer for them and perhaps send them a word of encouragement?

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.

For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows. If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer.

And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort."

~2 Corinthians 1:3-7

Nursing Cover Project and Farewell to a Friend

One of my dearest friends departs today with her family to travel across the country for a few weeks and then, God willing, to leave for long-term missions overseas. I am both very excited for her to finally be going to the country and people her heart longs to reach for the Gospel of Jesus, and very sad to be losing a dear friend whom I won't see again for many years.

Kellie has been a friend of mine from the birth of her first child 5 years ago through the birth of her most recent (4th!) little one, whose birth I had the privilege of attending! She was a support for me when Matthias died and has been a comfort in the years since. She never shies away from mentioning Matthias by name, remembering him and listening when I need to talk. I love her so much for that!

Kellie cooks the most incredible Indian cuisine. There have actually been fights over the leftovers at our Small Group. I will definitely miss her Chicken Biryani!

I have loved seeing Kellie's heart for the "T" people in Asia where she and her family will be going. These are a basically unreached people, with no healthy, reproducing church, less than .05% known Christians, and only one Christian there who knows the language well enough to present the Gospel! They are truly lost, and Kellie passionately wants to share the truth of the Good News of Christ with them.

I am really going to miss Kellie. I'm thankful for technology like email and Skype that will let us stay in touch, but more comforting than that is knowing that (as C.S. Lewis said), "Christians never really say goodbye."

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As a parting gift for Kellie, I made her a reversible nursing cover from an online tutorial at Shannon Makes Stuff.

I was looking for orange because I know she loves that color. The multicolor print is from Amy Butler's Belle collection and I bought it at Crafty Planet in Minneapolis. The solid orange was something I found in the quilting section at Joann's.

I really like this pattern. The boning at the top is slightly longer than most tutorials call for and I think that helps it not flop down onto your chest. Also, this is the only pattern I've found that uses a loop and tie for the neck strap instead of D-rings and I like that way more! The neck strap is also wider, which I think is more comfortable. I made Kellie's a little bit bigger than what this tutorial called for, because I know she's like me and would appreciate having any side and tummy rolls covered! Even with a squirmy baby, I think this one will do the trick.

Being reversible makes it a tad bit heavier, but it didn't seem like it would be too hot when I tested it.

I actually liked this style so much that I took apart my nursing cover I made months ago and remade it like this one! I love it.




Kellie, think of me when you nurse your babe! I love you and will miss you!

Natural Born Babies Video

In an effort to educate women about their choices and options during the childbearing years, Birth Matters Virginia - an organization aiming to improve the culture of birth in their state - solicited short videos about evidence-based maternity and delivery care.

You can view all the winning videos here (there's one about the homebirth of a baby named Judah!), but this runner-up was my favorite! I think it really gets out the message of evidence-based maternity care and choices in birth. It's something I could see recommending to pregnant friends!

I especially liked the one couple who talks about how the husband was not on board with their homebirth at first, but then he became this huge advocate ("almost like it was your idea to begin with", the wife says). Reminds me of us.

Thoughts On Our Parenting Choices

I read a great article today about how and why we make parenting choices. It's not from a Christian perspective, but I think there is a lot of wisdom to glean from what the author says, nevertheless.

Our Parenting Choices by Pam Leo

Parents seeking information and guidance often find the advice of child experts and parenting books to be confusing and contradictory. One book or expert says to do one thing and another says to do the exact opposite. Parents often ask me, "How do I tell 'good' parenting advice from 'bad' parenting advice? How am I to choose what is best for my child?"

Securing and maintaining a strong bond with our children is our primary work as parents. A secure bond or connection with at least one other human being is the greatest emotional need of every child. It is also the biological key to optimal human development. Parenting advice is relevant only to the extent that it honors our human biology and promotes parenting practices that support secure bonding. When considering any parenting advice we must ask ourselves, "If I follow this advice, will I be providing nurturing, guidance, and limits in a way that maintains a secure bond with my child? Our effectiveness as parents will be in direct proportion to the strength of the connection we have with our child. In any interaction will our words and actions strengthen or weaken our connection with a child? Any advice that promotes parent behaviors that compromise trust is counterproductive and undermines the strength of the parent-child bond.

(Read full article...)

What would you say is your primary work or responsibility as a parent? As Christians, most of us would hopefully reply something like, "to train up our children in the way they should go; to teach them about Christ and shepherd their hearts towards Him." Our deepest desire for our children is to see them "walking in the truth." (3 John 1:4)

So how do we strive for this goal? Common answers would be family worship and Bible reading, helping our children memorize scripture, teaching them truths about God from a young age, catechism, going to church and Sunday School, etc. These are all essential.

But what about meeting our children's basic emotional need for a secure bond and connection? How important is that in relation to our goal of teaching them the truth about God? I think this is as essential as the items listed above! Our effectiveness in teaching, training and parenting is directly proportionate to the strength of connection and attachment with our children. Our words and actions should strengthen and not undermine that connection and trust. In this way, not only are we nurturing the emotional needs of our children, but we are also teaching them what the LORD is like:

"It was I who taught Israel to walk,
and I took them by the arms...I led them with cords of human kindness, with ropes of love.
I lifted the yoke from their neck and bent down and fed them."

Hosea 11:3-4

"As a father has compassion on his children,

so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him."

Psalm 103:13

"As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you."

Isaiah 66:13

"He tends his flock like a shepherd:

He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart;
he gently leads those that have young."

Isaiah 40:11

So I would maintain that providing a strong parent-child bond by meeting our childrens' biological, emotional need for high-touch nurturing shouldn't be viewed as a separate "category," much lower on the parenting priority list than teaching our children about God. A child's understanding of God begins before they learn their first Bible verse or prayer. It begins from the time our baby in born! From birth on, our parenting practices can fulfill our child's need for trust, empathy, and affection that will provide a foundation for a lifetime of healthy relationships. We undermine our attempts to point our children to God if we have not nurtured a trusting, secure relationship with them from infancy on.

Not high-touch, connected parenting or daily Bible studies or perfect church attendance will guarantee that our children will love the Lord or walk in the truth - that is the work of the Holy Spirit! But how we teach and nurture and parent obviously really matters!


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A couple great resources:
Grace-Based Parenting by Tim Kimmel

"Parents in our post-modern world ... have tried countless parenting books on the market telling moms and dads what to do and how to do it. Many of these are rigid, fear-based books that leave a large number of parents feeling directionless.

Kimmel recommends creating a grace-based home environment that allows children to meet their full potential, to parent children in the same way God parents us. The result - spiritually strong children who grow up with a sense of calm and a heart full of purpose and confidence.

Grace Based Parenting is not another manual full of impossible standards; rather it is a new map for learning to see ourselves and our children through God’s limitless tenderness – to raise our kids the way God raises us. This thoughtful, profound and compassionate message presents a truly liberating way to nurture a healthy family. As we embrace the grace He offers, we begin to give it – creating a sound foundation for growing morally strong and spiritually motivated children.
Kimmel says Christians frequently believe that the battle for a child’s heart and soul is fought on the outside—with rigid rules and boundaries—when in fact just the opposite is true. He underscores the importance of communicating the unconditional love that Christ offers and affirming this timeless message of grace to one’s family. Kimmel asserts that this “radical” mode of parenting will meet the three essential needs in kids’ lives: for security, significance and strength. He assures parents that these needs can be met with grace-baced love, purpose and hope."

Mothering By Grace
Gentle Christian Mothers

Me and the Kids

Back in June Richard took a trip to Florida for his brother's wedding. Because he would be gone for a few days, I thought we should send some pictures of his beloved family with him, lest he get too lonely.

My camera doesn't have one of those little screens you can flip around so you can see where you're aiming when you're pointing the camera at yourself, so I had to guess.

Grace and I have perfected "smiling for the carmera" but apparently Moses and Judah have not. I'm not sure what Moses is thinking, but it's not really what I had in mind when I said, "okay, everybody smile!" At least Judah had it somewhat figured out.

I thought if I tried to take some of just the kids, I would end up with at least one good one. But by the time Moses decided to actually smile, Judah had had enough and was sick of the whole thing. So no perfect picture, but quite a few that accurately captured the family Richard was leaving behind!