Tuesday, August 9, 2011

i miss you

I miss this little boy today! I often wonder what he would look like if he were here with us, what he would be like, who he is. Every year on his birthday we set a place for him at the dinner table, just as a reminder that part of our family isn't here and to show that we feel his empty spot. Last year God gave me a brief image in my mind of a brown haired boy, five years old, sitting at the table with the rest of us. He was a quiet, sweet, thoughtful boy with a gentle smile and deep, knowing eyes. The image came totally unbidden to my mind, just a flash and it was gone. But I think God understands my longing to know more about Matthias than the 2 day old baby that I remember. It was very sweet and I treasure that image, whether or not it's exactly what Matthias would be like.
It's often odd to me, to watch our large, rambunctious brood playing together or wrestling on the floor or reading books with us, and remember that one of our children isn't here. Our kids are all so wonderful, and all so sweet, and all so different. I can't help but wonder what it would be like to have Matthias in the mix.

I believe his spirit is in Heaven now with Jesus, but I don't know much (I don't think anyone does) about what happens to baby spirits in Heaven. Does he grow? Can a spirit grow? Will his resurrected body be a baby still? Has he been cared for and mothered by heavenly beings? It's made me think about Heaven so much more than I would otherwise! But I'm settled knowing that Matthias is in perfect peace, fullness of joy, and without any sadness or pain. He's the happiest little heavenly spirit that he could possibly be. (Sweet boy! I'm so glad you are There, but I miss you so much!) I'm pretty sure he'll know me as his mother and I'll know him as my child when I see him again.

In the mean time, I remember the very, very brief time I had with him. I remember the pain and shock of letting him go. I am thankful for the healing God has brought in our lives. And I rest in the sure and steadfast Hope we have in Christ!

"Therefore you too have grief now; 
but I will see you again, and your heart will rejoice, 
and no one will take your joy away from you."