Journal Entry for Judah

6/29/10

Dear Judah,

You are 2 and a quarter right now and you are... difficult.

I know, it's hard. It's hard to be the middle child and to be 2 and to know so much but be so limited in what you can or are allowed to do. But I love you dearly even though you are difficult right now and I know we can make it through this time together!

Your dynamics with your brother Moses the 4-year-old are difficult. You are close enough in age that sometimes it is really fun to play together. But when you and Moses and Sissy play together you are the little one and that can be hard. Do you feel like you have to stick up for yourself or you'll be taken advantage of? Is that why you hit and bite and pinch so much? Does Moses try too much to get you to do things his way? Is that why you say "NO!" so much? I know, it's hard.
You beat up Moses a lot. I think you have an advantage over him in that you are very tough and stoic, and Moses is very emotional and FEELS everything so DEEPLY. But you have to stop hurting him. Please come get Mama if you are mad at Moses.

Judah, underneath your stoic little exterior I know you feel things very deeply too. You observe so much. You understand more than your limited speech abilities would have us believe. You KNOW that you know how to do things. I am trying to have lots of patience for you, so you can try to do things by yourself, even if I think you can't do it. You always let Mama do it for you if I give you a chance to try it first. But if I preempt you and don't let you try and tell you you can't... well, there's a huge eruption with a lot of screaming and crying and falling to the ground in distress. I understand. It's hard. I will give you a chance to try for yourself.

I really love the goofy, silly side of you, Judah. You like to make us laugh. Sometimes you use comedy to cover your distress, but don't we all do that sometimes? If we tell you, okay, that's enough silliness now, you will try to keep the laughs going and we will get firm and you will cry. It's hard to know when to stop sometimes.
You are a little parrot and you mimic anything your comedian brother does. One day when we were walking home from the park, I was pushing you and Moses in the stroller. About a block from our house Moses asked me to stop, then he jumped out, handed me his sunglasses and asked me to hold them, then said, "This is going to be great!" and took off running for home. You watched for a second then jumped out of the stroller, took off your sunglasses and asked me to hold them, then told me, "Dis gonna be gweat!" and took off running after Moses. This is the perfect example of what you do all the time. You admire and imitate Moses while also being very independent and aggressive with him at times. It's hard to be two and have all those conflicting emotions and roles happening. I know.

You can be very demanding, whiney and aggressive sometimes, Judah. We are working on asking nicely and waiting. You are learning "please". You are learning to wait for what you want and I am learning not to overlook you or disregard your requests. Just because you're an independent and capable little person doesn't mean you don't need attention! And many times it seems your demanding and forceful way of communicating comes from a fear that between the needs of the older kids and the demands of the baby, you will be overlooked. I am glad we are still nursing and have special times together each day. It keeps us connected. And I am sure that we can get through this hard time together, you and I, Judah.
I love you so much, you are a sweet boy, full of observations and insights, ready to have fun and join in the activities of your family. You add so much joy to our lives and I am glad you are my boy!