Matthias' Story

Although I've shared the journal I kept in the months following Matthias' death, I realize many of you may not know Matthias' story, and I've never actually posted about what happened to him. It was what doctors call "a fluke", but what we know to be an inscrutable part of God's holy, wise and loving plan.

Sometimes I am tempted to think back on that day and grieve over the "what ifs" and the "if onlys," wondering if there was anything I could have done to have prevented Matthias' death. But that is a pointless grief and a wasted wondering.

"I am God. Even from eternity I am He, And there is none who can deliver out of My hand; I act and who can reverse it?" "See now that I myself am He! There is no god besides me. I put to death and I bring to life, I have wounded and I will heal, and no one can deliver out of my hand."

God decided to take Matthias to Himself, and who am I to think I could have prevented Matthias' death? It saves me from a lot of unnecessary guilt and is a comfort to my heart to know that God knew from eternity past the number of Matthias' days. Matthias lived his life in exactly the way that his loving Father planned.

"My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

"Your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."

~Psalm 139:15-16



Here is his story:

My pregnancy with Matthias was completely normal and both baby and I were healthy and strong. I went into labor at 5:30 Tuesday morning, August 9th. It was 4 days past my due date and I was starting to think Matthias would never be born! I had started having contractions the week before but they had stopped after I took a bath. I decided to try a bath again, but this time the contractions didn’t stop! I tried to lie back down in bed but was too uncomfortable. Richard got up to go to work, but we weren’t sure if he should go or not. He timed my contractions for about 45 minutes and they were 5-6 minutes apart. We decided to call my parents and sister and have them come over to be with 6-year-old Grace.

Soon my contractions were strong enough to make me very uncomfortable and I was anxious to get to the hospital. My dad and my sister Stephanie were stuck in morning rush hour, so I tried to stay busy making sure our bags were packed and that we had some snack along. Grace seemed a bit worried about me, so I tried not to look too uncomfortable. When Grandpa Mike and Steph arrived, we kissed Grace goodbye and hurried out the door. It was nearing 8:00. Contractions were two minutes apart and I could only focus on breathing through them.

Richard peeled out of the driveway and roared onto Interstate 94 like Jason Bourne. Dodging and weaving through traffic, I just shut my eyes and braced myself. I trusted Richard’s driving…mostly. I did glance at the speedometer once, but when I saw it inching past 100 mph, I thought it best not to look anymore. We arrived at Woodwinds Hospital in record time. Richard got a wheelchair for me and we headed to the Maternity Care Center.

Quickly I was taken to a room, dressed in a gown and hooked up to an external fetal monitor and an I.V. for antibiotics. Richard held my hand and tried to keep me as comfortable as possible. Contractions were VERY intense by now, one on top of the other, and all I wanted was the strength to get through the next one. Running through my head was a verse from "O Worship the King":

“Thy bountiful care, what tongue can recite?
It breathes in the air, it shines in the light.
It streams from the hills, it descends to the plains,
and sweetly distills in the dew and the rain.”

Then I got up to use the bathroom and this is when the doctors think Matthias’ cord became pinched and he started to lose oxygen. I got back into bed and a nurse came to check on me. She glanced at the fetal heart rate monitor and said, “Uh Oh, what happened?” Matthias’ heart rate was plummeting.

Just then my midwife rushed in. (She had also been caught in traffic.) She tried having me change positions to get the heart rate up, but nothing worked. I sensed that my midwife and nurses were worried, but I could hardly focus on anything other than getting through the contractions. When my midwife broke my water and saw a lot of meconium staining, she called for the doctor and told Richard they needed to do an emergency C-section.

As they wheeled me to the OR, I felt a huge urge to push. I told the nurse but she didn’t answer, so I pushed! I pushed again a couple times in the OR as they were prepping and one doctor told me not to. Yeah, right! Then they decided to let me go ahead and deliver Matthias. Two more big pushes and he was out. Richard, who had not been allowed in before that, came in moments after Matthias was delivered. I didn’t know it at the time, but Matthias had been born without a heartbeat and not breathing.

Immediately they began resuscitation and were able to get his heart beating. I hadn’t yet seen Matthias, as he was surrounded by doctors and the resuscitation team. Richard came to my side and told me, “He’s not breathing.” I just nodded. I felt like the worst was over. The contractions were over, Matthias was delivered; the doctors were taking care of him. I felt sure everything would be fine now. I was able to glance at Matthias as they wheeled me out of the OR and back into my room. He looked beautiful to me.

After Matthias was born, he needed to be transferred to a different hospital. The one at which we delivered did not have an NICU, so they transported him to the University hospital in downtown Minneapolis.

I don’t remember the time right after delivery very well. I remember that when they were ready to take Matthias, they brought him into my room for me to see. He was in a transport unit, all hooked up to oxygen and tubes. I lay on my bed and looked over at my baby. He was so beautiful. He looked just like I knew he would, just like my own sweet baby.

We decided Richard would go with Matthias and I would follow as soon as I could. The Neonatal Nurse Practitioner had talked to us before Matthias left and had basically told us his prospects were not good, that he had been without oxygen for so long that his brain and other organs were most likely very damaged.

I took a long bath, trying to recover physically from having just given birth and emotionally from this horrible and completely unexpected turn of events. My mom and sister sat with me, and as I sat in the bath, it sunk in that Matthias would probably die. I felt so tired, and I felt that there was no use fighting against my baby's inevitable death. My body and mind were both in complete shock.

Richard and one of my brothers were at the NICU with Matthias, and two pastors from Bethlehen with whom we were very close were there too. Both the pastors had “happened” to be at church for a meeting that morning when the call about Matthias came into the church. Thank you Lord, for that!

Within a few hours I felt strong enough to leave the hospital where I delivered and go to Matthias. Stephanie came with me and my mom went to our house to be with Grace, who had spent the morning with Grandma Vickie, Uncle Mark and his girlfriend Heather. It was pouring rain when we left, a thunderous summer deluge. It seemed fitting.

I remember walking into the NICU, seeing all the tiny babies, and then seeing Matthias. I knew him instantly! I could have picked my baby out of a thousand. Richard was sitting next to the little isolette with his hand on Matthias’ chest.

During the ambulance ride Matthias had begun to convulse. To me he looked like he couldn’t take a breath; like a little child who has cried too long. It was horrible to watch his little body seize up and not be able to do anything. Richard knew what to do, though. He prayed over that tiny body every time it convulsed until it let up.


Matthias was hooked up to so many wires and tubes. He had a diaper on loosely, but no clothes, and he had blood around his bellybutton where an umbilical catheter was inserted. He lay totally limp, except for the periodic convulsions. Eventually the doctors gave him a drug to paralyze his little body so it couldn't seize up anymore and then he just laid there, looking as if her were peacefully sleeping, but with a machine breathing for him. He never moved or cried or opened his eyes.

In the NICU, we had several meetings with Matthias’ doctors. They were very honest with us about his prognosis. Most likely his little body would not be able to survive much longer. If he did survive he would be completely brain dead; - blind, deaf, eating and breathing through machines. They gently advised removing life support.

Richard and I agonized over such a decision. We were honestly terrified of having a severely handicapped son, but we wanted to be able to trust the Lord even in that. So we prayed, sought council and waited.

Soon it became clear that Matthias would not live. He was on maximum doses of medication and still his little body was failing. Now it was not a matter of if he would die, but when.

With breaking hearts, we asked our families and a few close friends to gather with us on the evening of Wednesday, August 10th. We all spent a precious time holding Matthias, singing hymns, reciting scripture and praying.

Then pastor John Erickson lead Richard and I in dedicating our son, Matthias Paul, to the Lord.















“Matthias, together with your parents
who love you dearly,
and this people who care about
the outcome of your faith,
I dedicate you to God,
surrendering together with them
all wordly claim upon your life
in the hope that you will belong
wholly to God forever.”

After that everyone left except for Pastor Erickson, Pastor Sherard, my parents and our dear friends the Lundgrens. Holding my sweet baby in my arms, born a scant 36 hours earlier, I said goodbye.

The nurse removed his breathing tube and slowly his little heart stopped beating. His Papa placed his hand over Matthias‘ chest and felt the beating grow fainter and fainter and finally stop.

I was left holding his body; his spirit we gave to Jesus.

Matthias' Photo Montage

I've been working on this for a while and just wanted to share it now. I'm hoping to make one for each of the kids' first year. (Already did for Moses but I'm having some trouble uploading it). Anyway, it was good to go through all these photos again and remember those brief 36 hours we had with Matthias outside the womb, and to remember all the friends and family who surrounded us in that time and who also loved him.

I love that Matthias' voice is ringing out clearly right now before Jesus.

"People and realms of every tongue
Dwell on His love with sweetest song;
And infant voices shall proclaim
Their early blessings on His Name."

Make an on-line slide show at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Attachment Parenting Month

Blogging Break

As our school year gets under way along with the activities and commitments that brings with it, time for blogging is seriously lacking. So to all (three) of my faithful readers, please attempt to find something else as interesting, informative and entertaining as "Tending the Home Fires" to fill your blog-reading time until I'm back from my hiatus. I know that will be difficult, but try. :)

Before I go, here's some of what we'll be doing for school (4th grade) this year:

Our core is Middle Ages History (and hopefully getting to the Renaissance/Reformation) through Winter's Promise Publishing. It is a literature-based curriculum which follows the Charlotte Mason educational philosophy. In other words we reads LOTS of great books about the Middle Ages, do lots of hands-on activities like making an illuminated book and a coat of arms, use timelines extensively, learn a lot about geography, and tie it all together through Notebooking. Fun! And educational! So although it's "history", this also covers literature, geography, art & art history.

For Math we are using Math-U-See for the second year, after switching from Saxon. Nothing wrong with Saxon, per-se (in fact, I loved Saxon Math when I was being homeschooled), but it just didn't work for Grace. So we switched curriculum, which I love about homeschooling. If something isn't working, change it! Anyway, Math-U-See is outstanding, especially if you have a child who needs to see a concept (like place value) in order to grasp it. They have an outstanding free demo DVD, if you are interested in checking it out.

Our Language Arts program is called The Phonics Road to Spelling and Reading. This curriculum is incredible, but it is beyond me to review it here and now. Here are two great reviews: The Old Schoolhouse and HomeSchoolReviews. If you are homeschooling or thinking about it, I would give this comprehensive program my highest endorsement.

The only part of The Phonics Road that we are deviating on is Handwriting. They use traditional manuscript handwriting and I am a big fan of teaching Italic Handwriting. I love the Getty-Dubay Italic Handwriting curriculum and I truly believe it is the easiest and prettiest way to write! For an example, go here and check out their comparison of 5 handwriting styles. It's really cool. Grace just had two people compliment her on her beautiful handwriting at church the other day, so I know it works. :)

We are switching things up with our Bible curriculum this year, so I'm not sure what that is going to look like yet.

Science, Art and Phy Ed are all being taught by "real" teachers at our homeschool co-op this year.

That's about it, besides tons of fun and educational field trips throughout the year. I'm looking forward to another year of learning at home with my kids.

Let me leave you with a few of my favorite homeschoolers and homeschool blogs:

Our Homeschool by a mom I don't know personally but who has a great post on Schooling in Chaos to which I can seriously relate.

I love In The Heart of My Home. If you just take the time to read her sidebars it will be worth your while, to say nothing of reading her posts! She's great.

I use the Handbook of Nature Study blog to incorporate fun science learning into our days. Really fun, whether or not you're homeschooling! "Our family's online nature journal using Anna Comstock's book Handbook of Nature Study as our textbook and the great outdoors as our classroom. Home of the Outdoor Hour Challenges."

Home Schoolin' Mamas. Very good, especially for younger elementary learners or those just starting out.

Preschoolers and Peace. Need I say more?

I have lots more that I enjoy, I'm out of time. Leave me a comment if you have a favorite homeschooling site or blog! Have a blessed autumn!

Knowing Your Basic First Aid Techniques Comes In Handy

Last night as we were sitting at the table eating dinner (turkey burgers and fruit), Richard choked on his food. Choked as in couldn't breathe or cough.

So I performed the Heimlich Maneuver on him. Successfully. No panicking, no screaming, just a couple swift abdominal thrusts and some hard smacks on the back, and he was free of that pesky piece of food lodged in his throat.

That's right. I just saved my husband's life.

Grace, of course, was traumatized and laying with her head in her arms sobbing at the table. We reassured her that everything was fine, yes it was scary but God had protected us, and isn't it a good thing we've watched "What About Bob" so many times? I told her if my initial methods had failed, I would have had Papa lay on the couch so she could jump on his back. That got a weak smile.

Moses' only comment was "Loud," in reference to Richard's subsequent hacking and coughing.

Judah, who had been sitting on Richards lap when the choking began and then had been set on the floor, took the opportunity to head straight to the dog dishes, which he loves but never gets to play with. Well last night he got to splash around in the dog water to his heart's content, totally oblivious to the serious nature of the events happening around him.

We finished our meal in a mostly composed manner, except that Richard and I both had somewhat shaky hands. It was quite an adrenaline rush. We just looked at each other from across the table and said, wow. That was crazy.

So now I'm thinking, how many Starbuck's lattes do you think I earned, saving Richard's life last night? Seems at least a year's worth is reasonable. Of course, saving Richard from choking is really in my own best interest, so maybe one could argue that the reward is having my husband here with me for (hopefully) many more years to come. But I'll still see if I can get a latte out of the deal.

:)

Also On The Subject of First Aid

Last week as Moses was running through the kitchen, he tripped on nothing and fell right onto the open baby gate's bottom latch. It's this little, thin, round piece of metal and it sliced him right under the lip. Anyone who's had or seen a face/head wound knows the bleed like the dickens, so it took me a while to find out where exactly he was injured in all the gushing blood and screaming.

The cut was not wide but looked pretty deep, and I thought perhaps it had gone all the way through his lip. I called my mom. Called Richard, asked him if he could leave work. He said he'd meet me at Urgent Care. So then I had to get the kids packed up and ready to sit at urgent care for who knows how long, and Moses was still screaming and howling and Grace was out riding her bike around the block and Judah was, well he was just lying quietly on the floor, so that was all right.

I went to the door, screamed as loud as I could for Grace, went back inside, turned on some cartoons and set Moses in front of the TV with a cold washcloth on his lip. He immediately stopped crying (I think he was so shocked at the TV being on in the middle of the day that all else paled in comparison.) Judah was still on his tummy on the floor where he had been before, so I packed a diaper bag and Grace came home and I got her to help me get Mo in the car, get a bottle of water, some snacks, Moses' shoes, some ice for his lip, etc. She also packed five story books, some colored pencils, a notebook, some stickers, a coloring book and a doll catalog.

Finally we were ready to go, so I scooped up Judah and saw why he had been so quiet this whole time. When Moses had fallen, he had dropped a half-eaten plum on the floor. Judah had crawled over and was going to town on it. It was only a little gross. So I figured, what the heck, washed it off and put it in one of those fruit holder mesh-bag-with-a-handle thingies for him to keep eating.

At the clinic, we were told that Moses could get a couple stitches or we could just let it heal on its own. With stitches the scar would be a tiny bit smaller, but that would also include going to Children's where Mo would be sedated and put in a straightjacket thing to get his face stitched. Hmmm. We'll go with the scar and skip the trauma.

So all in all, it turned out fine. We got frozen fruit bars for Moses to suck on to keep the swelling down and his lip has healed just fine. Actually, what looks worse in the huge bruise on his forehead from where he ran into the swing earlier that same morning.

Is this what I have to look forward to with boys??

Up At The Farm

We've been up at my parent's farm in Wisconsin for most of the week and will be heading up there again on Friday. They're getting ready to sell it and move to town, so there has been much work to do! Here's some of what we've been doing:






I'm hoping to post more about our time there in the days to come. Stay tuned!

The Joys of Having an Older Sister

Sometimes you have to be the baby princess who sleeps in the doll bed.

Babywearing, Part I: Bucket Babies

bucket baby
n. 1. a foal or calf nursed by hand; 2. an infant perceived to spend an excessive amount of time in a portable car seat.

Portable infant car seats. They're great for keeping your baby safe in the car, but how do they rate as infant carriers for outside the vehicle?

Most, if not all, parents have used these baby-containers-with-a-handle to tote an infant while out and about. Convenient, right? Baby goes in car seat, baby-in-car-seat goes in car, baby-in-car-seat goes into the store, baby-in-car-seat comes out of store, baby-in-car-seat goes back into the car. No unbuckling, rebuckling, strollers, nasty shopping cart baby holder, etc. But is it really that great for baby? And is it really that great for mom?

First, let's look at it from the mom's (dad's/caregiver's) perspective. Let's talk ergonomics. How do you usually carry the car seat? In one hand, bent kind of sideways so it doesn't bang into your legs, with your other arm stretched out for counter-balance. Yeah... not so good. Consumer Reports says that using an infant car seat to carry your baby "can be a killer on your wrists, elbow, lower back, and neck if you tote it by the handle or if you string it on your forearm like a handbag."

“The greater the horizontal distance from the weight you’re carrying to your torso, the more stress on your joints, discs, ligaments, and muscles,” says Mary Ellen Modica, a physical therapist at Schwab STEPS Rehabilitation Clinics in Chicago, IL. “It’s equivalent to walking around with three or four full paint cans in one hand--something most people wouldn’t do, but they’ll carry a car seat that way.”

A better way to carry the car seat is in front of you, with both hands on the handle, and close to your trunk and centered at your waist. However, just the repeated mechanics of removing/replacing the car seat with the infant in it causes a severe risk for back injury. Chiropractor Dr. Diane Benizzi DiMarco, in her article Post Partum and Beyond: Managing Back Pain in Women says,

The mother/caregiver who chooses to remove the entire car seat with child is exposed to aberrant posture and lifting motions. Removing the infant and car seat simultaneously is common when the infant is sleeping and does not transfer well out of the seat to a crib. It is also common to remove the infant within the car seat when the infant cannot hold its’ head erect or cannot sit up in a seat provided by a shopping [cart] or again, if the infant is a sleep. An infant who weighs 12-15 pounds and a car seat that weighs 10-15 pounds can impart excessive biomechanical stress to the spine. Mothers/caregivers normally lean over the back seat from the back car door, unlatch the seat and proceed to lift with outstretched arms, to carry the seat or place it where they intend. Continued repetition of this spinal abuse can result in spinal injuries including injury to the disc.

It seems that infant car seats are pretty rough on mom's body. Is there another way? Well, you could go this route. How about attaching the car seat to your body with a harness!

(If this seems incredibly bizarre to you, you'll enjoy this article at Thingamababy. She says, "Now, there are two types of parents reading this article. Some of you are looking at the product photo and thinking, 'Hmm, that's really interesting.' The other group is looking at that photo and thinking, 'What the hell is wrong with our society?'")

And really, is it that convenient to lug your baby around in a car seat? Before we got rid of our portable infant car seat in favor of one that our babies were much more comfortable in, I too used it from time to time to carry the babes in. So quick, so easy, he won't wake up... But he usually did wake up because both Moses and Judah HATED being in the portable car seat. Which would leave me to carry the baby in one arm while pushing a cart or carrying the stupid car seat in the other arm. If he did stay asleep, I was still left carting this unwieldy thing around, setting it down, picking it up in the other hand, and cursing myself for not just putting the baby in the sling.
Ah. The sling. Could this be the better way? Most moms who have forsaken the car seat carrier in favor of some sort of soft baby carrier would give a resounding YES! And although they can't say so themselves, I think the babies would agree.

One of the deepest needs of young babies is to be close to - i.e. in physical contact with - their mother. In The Vital Touch, one of my all-time favorite books on the importance of touch and infant development, author Sharon Heller says,

Does it make a difference how baby is transported? Judge for yourself. Carried, our infant experiences body warmth, frequent position change, deep pressure touch, containment, and rocking, to say nothing of the opportunities to balance her head, upright her posture, or use her muscles for clinging.

All this is lacking when the infant is carried in a car seat. Or stroller, for that matter.

As for all the variety of stimulation during carrying - the frequent kissing and stroking of hair, nose, cheeks, eyebrows, and forehead, the change of positioning, the rearrangement of clothing, the swaying side to side and back and forth - it all but disappears during wheeling.

There are other developmental worries for babies spending too much time in infant car seats.

For the young infant, they [car seats] offer too little restriction of movement; for the older infant, too much, especially in the trunk area. Explains Sandra Edwards, an occupational therapist..., neurological development progresses best in an environment that encourages opportunities to explore and experiment with movement. "Devices that restrict movement may deny the child important opportunities for sensorimotor development." Little wonder babies get restless when tied down in these seats and grapple to move about and to upright themselves.

Plastic infant seats are also stiff. Babies' soft, flexible bodies are suited to fold into the crook of an arm, nuzzle into a neck, enfold into a breast, not to press against rigid, unyielding surfaces. Infant seats are a particular problem for children at risk for motor delay, explains occupational therapist Patricia Wilbarger, since they position babies "so that the back muscles can become abnormally stiff."

This can then cause problems with muscle flexibility, as well as with muscle development. Babies carried in-arms "use their head, neck, and shoulder muscles to stabilize themselves and establish stronger trunk stability. Those muscles may develop sooner in babies who aren’t carried around in a car seat," says Consumer Reports.

Carrying also provides "vestibular" stimulation, that is, stimulation through motion. The vestibular apparatus is located in the inner ear and its job is to maintain equilibrium. When babies receive movement in all directions (up and down, back and forth, side to side), they learn to balance themselves and keep their heads and bodies in a neutral position - no small feat for a wobbly infant! When in parent's arms, babies receive all three of the types of movements they need to develop their vestibular system. Not so much in the plastic seat. (For a great in-depth look at the effects of vestibular deprivation, see Heller's chapter "Rock of Love" in her book The Vital Touch.)
So next time you're running to Target with your baby, consider tossing a soft baby carrier into your diaper bag and carrying your baby next to you instead of in the car seat. Your baby might wake up? Well there's a good chance the soothing motion of your walking, the sweet smell of your body and the familiar sound of your heartbeat will cause baby to drop peacefully back to sleep. There are plenty of comfortable, ergonomic, easy-to-use soft baby carriers on the market right now that are easily as convenient as hauling that darn car seat around, and waaay more beneficial for you and your baby. Here's one last plug:

The average Western infant gets touched 25 percent of the day or less. By nine months of age, touching time goes down to 16 percent of the day. In a model day care center, [researcher] Tiffany Field and colleagues found touch time to average only around 14 percent of the day for even young infants. As for actual holding time, between the ages of three weeks and three months, the average Western infant is carried a little more than two and a half hours a day.

Infant seats do nothing to promote attachment between mother and baby. The mother's body draws the baby into a pulsing circle of warmth, softness, and roundness that contains and cushions his shape in supple, receptive contours; that adjusts and adapts in sync with his turns, squirms, and stretches; that massages him with slow, fluid motions that vary his day and give rhythm to his existence. This cements the connection between mother and child; plastic containers do none of this. As such, they dramatically change the baby's sense of life and human relationships.

Grieving With Those Who Grieve

Thank you, dear friends, for your words of love, for remembering Matthias, for grieving with me during the past days. I have been comforted and buoyed during this bittersweet time by knowing that others remember my baby and love him too. It is a terrible thing to think that his life will be forgotten, that I will mourn for him alone. Thank you for being willing to enter into that grief with me and letting me know he is not forgotten.

I was incredibly blessed to see evidence that others had already been to his grave when we arrived there on Saturday (Elisa - thank you, dear sister!). Thank you for the notes, the calls, the comments, the hugs, the music played in his honor, and for just letting me share and talk about Matthias. That in itself means more than I can say. I know it can feel like "I don't know what to say", but just asking "how are you doing?" and listening to me answer is such a blessing. I am thankful for all of you who have been willing to "grieve with those who grieve."

I especially remembered those of you who were with us when Matthias died, who came to the hospital and held him, who ministered to us in our darkest hour, who stood with us as our baby breathed his last breath. Thank you. You willingly entered "a house of mourning" and that is a frightening thing to do. You all have a special part in Matthias' life.

I was reading over the pages of the guest book from Matthias' funeral and found myself saying, "wow, I didn't remember that so-an-so was there!" To all of you who came to his funeral to support us, to grieve for Matthias, to honor his short life, to thank the Lord for him - thank you. Even now, three years later, it encourages me to see all your names written down.

* * * * *

On Matthias' birthday, we were all able to go to his grave as a family and spend quite some time there. It soothes my spirit to be able to tend his little grave. I planted a miniature rose bush at his grave site (does anyone know anything about growing roses? I'd really like to keep this one alive!) and Grace helped water it and put mulch around it. Moses ran around the grassy field, laughing, and Judah just hung out with me. What a blessing all our children are!

We have a tradition of setting an extra place at the table on Matthias' birthday; a symbolic tribute to the little boy who is missing from our table. It is a poignant and sweet meal - we feel his absence acutely and try to imagine what it would be like to have him there.

I baked a special birthday cake to celebrate Matthias' life, and before we ate it we prayed that God would let Matthias know how much we love and miss him, and that we are celebrating and remembering him especially during this day. I think God does pass on our love to Matthias in heaven.