Tuesday, September 15, 2009

35 weeks

Here's what our baby looks like right now! How cool is that? I can't believe how quickly this pregnancy has gone. I remember when my baby ticker had over 100 days on it!

When I consider that this might very well be our last baby, it makes me sad to have it almost be over. I really do enjoy pregnancy and am blessed with no morning sickness and good health. There is nothing quite like feeling a baby move around inside your body. I will miss feeling that unique sensation.

I am starting to gear up for our birth, buying and collecting birth supplies (everything has to be assembled by 36 weeks), getting our birth pool (I am SO excited for a waterbirth!!!) and scheduling our home visit with our midwife. Baby clothes have been washed and folded, blankets and diapers inventoried and put in drawers. We received a nice big-kid car seat for Judah as a gift, so the baby will have Judah's convertible car seat. I've been going through my fabric stash, thinking about making another sling... (do I really need another one? Yes! How dare you ask.)

All this preparation at times makes me nervous, because I'm aware that nothing guarantees us a living, breathing baby at the end of 5 or 6 weeks, and then all this preparation will feel so pointless. Matthias' death has made me so much more aware of the fragility of life and has kept me from putting all my eggs in the "healthy, living baby" basket.

It's hard for me to feel totally comfortable preparing for and expecting a baby. Sometimes I think that I shouldn't let myself imagine a new baby wearing these little clothes and cloth diapers or being wrapped in these blankets. What if our baby dies? How much more painful will it be to have already pictured him or her in my arms?

But then I know it's right to be looking forward to this baby's arrival, and to be imagining how wonderful it will be to hold him or her for the first time. That's part of the bonding and loving that a mother does with her baby even before birth, and I don't want to take that away from this child! Somehow making preparations without letting my heart be affected would be taking something special and important away from this baby. So I let my heart be fully vested and totally in love with the baby inside me, cherishing his or her little life, come what may. I don't want to keep my heart aloof from love in order to somehow keep it safe from pain.


Rachel said...

Beautiful! I wondered how you feel about birth and death after having two healthy babies since Matthias's death. I'm glad you can let the joy win and prepare for this baby with heartfelt abandon. To not do so, wouldn't make another loss any easier. I'm telling myself that daily so I can live it out.

May God bless you, your family, and this sweet new baby with a safe and healthy arrival into this world.

e&e said...

I loved that last line, Melissa.

This may well be your last baby? Why oh why? You and Richard make such sweet little ones!

Did anyone else notice that one that picture there is a line from the baby to the word "fat"? I couldn't help giggling about that one.

hugs and prayers,

melissa said...

Four babies in four years has had its challenges... we at least need a break for a couple years. Since neither of us believe in permanent sterilization, it would be foolish to assume that this is ABSOLUTELY our last baby! :) I can foresee another one in a few years from now...

I didn't notice the "fat" arrow! I'm glad the picture didn't point to the outside of the mom's belly with the word "fat"! :D

Annette said...

Missy, That post is beautifully written - you capture my thoughts almost word for word as Dan and I anticipate Baby Pare in a few short months. I've wanted to get excited, and yet find myself pulling back having a hard time believing that we will actually hold a healthy, live baby in our arms in January. So we trust and we pray and we hope. In all things. Best to you!

Leah Miller said...

Thanks for being so real, Melissa.