Saturday, August 9, 2008

Three Years Gone, Forever In My Heart

Be still, my soul: the Lord is on thy side.
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change, He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: thy best, thy heavenly Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul: when dearest ones depart,
And all is darkened in the vale of tears,
Then thou shall better know His love, His heart,
Who comes to soothe thy sorrow and thy fears.

Be still, my soul: thy Jesus can repay
From His own fullness all He takes away.

Do you think this song is right, that we know God's love and His heart better through the "vale of tears"? I think this is true, and I have experienced it profoundly. God showed His love to me when Matthias died in a way that could not have happened during times of ease and peace. I think that is what it means in Ecclesiastes when it says "It is better to go to a house of mourning than to go to a house of feasting". God enters into our suffering with us and it is there that we truly see His heart.

* * * * * * *

I miss Matthias. It is still so terribly sad for me to think about his death. I still ache to hold him and be his mother. But I have been able to finally, in a real way, be glad that he is in Heaven instead of here with me. It took a long time. The thought of him being in Heaven did not bring me comfort while I was in the depths of my grief. The pain of my empty arms was so overwhelming, I just wanted him here. I wanted to hold my sweet, precious baby, and the fact that he was gone just consumed me.

Now, I'm better able to be sad for me, and be glad for him. I'm sad because I'm a mother with one of my children missing from my life, and that's painful. I'm sad because I had to say goodbye to my baby so soon. I'm sad because I'm not able to mother one of my children. That is a deep wound in my heart that I don't think will be completely healed until Heaven. (When Jesus fully repays from His own fullness all He takes away.)

But for Matthias, who is enjoying pleasures forever more at Jesus' right hand, I am thankful. He suffered very, very little on earth. He is experiencing a joy that I can't even begin to get my mind around. God let Matthias pass over the long, hard, dark road and enter into the joy His presence so quickly. For me, in one sense, that is sad; for Matthias that is beautiful, merciful love. Matthias has what I ultimately want for all my children! And for that I rejoice!

Now, instead of wishing Matthias were here with me
, I am more able to think, "I wish I were with Matthias." So there is both joy and tears on this day, and both are good. Behold the kindness and severity of God.


1 comment:

Tiffany said...

It is hard to believe it's been three years already. Oh, I have tears in my eyes just reading this. What peace you have knowing he is with Jesus. If you didn't know Jesus and have that assurance of Him with Matthias, it would be so empty and scary. What joy it will be when Moses and Judah and Grace can meet their brother in heaven some day! Also, I love, love, love the picture of Grace holding baby Matthias in the hospital. You captured a moment and such emotion.