i miss you

I miss this little boy today! I often wonder what he would look like if he were here with us, what he would be like, who he is. Every year on his birthday we set a place for him at the dinner table, just as a reminder that part of our family isn't here and to show that we feel his empty spot. Last year God gave me a brief image in my mind of a brown haired boy, five years old, sitting at the table with the rest of us. He was a quiet, sweet, thoughtful boy with a gentle smile and deep, knowing eyes. The image came totally unbidden to my mind, just a flash and it was gone. But I think God understands my longing to know more about Matthias than the 2 day old baby that I remember. It was very sweet and I treasure that image, whether or not it's exactly what Matthias would be like.

It's often odd to me, to watch our large, rambunctious brood playing together or wrestling on the floor or reading books with us, and remember that one of our children isn't here. Our kids are all so wonderful, and all so sweet, and all so different. I can't help but wonder what it would be like to have Matthias in the mix.

I believe his spirit is in Heaven now with Jesus, but I don't know much (I don't think anyone does) about what happens to baby spirits in Heaven. Does he grow? Can a spirit grow? Will his resurrected body be a baby still? Has he been cared for and mothered by heavenly beings? It's made me think about Heaven so much more than I would otherwise! But I'm settled knowing that Matthias is in perfect peace, fullness of joy, and without any sadness or pain. He's the happiest little heavenly spirit that he could possibly be. (Sweet boy! I'm so glad you are There, but I miss you so much!) I'm pretty sure he'll know me as his mother and I'll know him as my child when I see him again.

In the mean time, I remember the very, very brief time I had with him. I remember the pain and shock of letting him go. I am thankful for the healing God has brought in our lives. And I rest in the sure and steadfast Hope we have in Christ!

"Therefore you too have grief now; 

but I will see you again, and your heart will rejoice, 

and no one will take your joy away from you."

John 16:22 



Matthias' Story 
Photo Montage of Matthias
My Journal Through Grief

The Meaning Behind "Held"

A song that has special meaning for me is "Held" by Natalie Grant.  It was released a couple of months before Matthias died and my sweet cousin sent me a copy of the song.  I heard it on the radio quite a bit in the months following and listened to it at home often... it has since become "Matthias' song" in my mind and I can never hear it without remembering vividly those early days and months after his death.

I decided today to research the story behind the song and found a great post on the website of Christina Wells, who wrote the song.

She actually wrote the song about three different women who had experienced great loss in their lives.  One was a young widow, one a friend who lost an infant son and the last one was her mother-in-law who had a stillborn daughter.

One woman she talks about is Vaneetha whose infant son had been treated at birth for a heart defect.

Paul was doing remarkably well and had just been celebrated at a church-wide baby shower, when he died unexpectedly in the night.  The first verse of “Held” refers to Vaneetha and her son, Paul.  She has always spoken to me about how knowing sorrow has allowed her to also know joy…and about the strange reality of feeling God’s presence most keenly in the moments of deepest grief.

I can so relate to that strange paradox of knowing God's love and His nearness best in a time of greatest pain.
Then she relates how her mother-in-law Sherry shared the story of her stillborn daughter:

She spoke through tears about the pain of carrying a child to term and then having to let her go without even getting to take her home from the hospital.  She told me about the still, small voice that spoke to her in the delivery room, saying: You have to choose how you will carry this loss after this moment.  You can choose bitterness.  Or you can choose to let me wrap you up in peace that can’t be explained and that will lead to hope.  You can choose to trust that you are not alone, and that everything you suffer here will someday be redeemed.

This conversation with Sherry eventually helped write the third verse.

I have appreciated the depth and power of these lyrics since the first time I heard the song, and I can tell this songwriter has an deep, true understanding of grief, suffering and redemption.

Other words from these women became the second verse, taught me that no person of faith since the beginning of time has ever lived without suffering.  In fact, they said, those who are students of Jesus have been promised that we certainly should expect pain and suffering in this life.

BUT.

But.  In the middle of that heartache.  At every lonely, dark, lost moment…the Truth.

That in those moments, even then, especially then… we are held, held up, held together, by the the One who has walked here and knows the pain, and who also holds all of time, every story, my story, your story, the Greatest Story in his hands.

Remember the Shining Tears and Be Sure

Have you read "The Magician's Nephew" by C.S. Lewis? Chronologically it's the first of the Narnia series, in which Narnia is created by Aslan and Digory Kirk (who is the Professor Kirk of "The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe") has an adventure in that magical land. Digory's mother is dying at home in London, and Digory has hopes that Aslan will cure her. But first Digory has to go on a long quest to help protect Narnia from an evil that he himself brought into brand-new Narnia through his own foolishness and pride. As Aslan is sternly instructing Digory concerning this quest, Digory knows it's right for him to have to go on the quest, right for Aslan to be fierce and stern, and right that Digory's own desires should be put on hold until he remedies the wrong he has done.  But Digory's heart is still breaking for his mother.  Here's how the scene is described in the book:

"I asked, are you ready?" said the Lion. "Yes," said Digory. He had for a second some wild idea of saying "I'll try to help you if you'll promise to help my Mother," but he realized in time that the Lion was not at all the sort of person one could make bargains with. But when he had said "Yes," he thought of his Mother, and he thought of the great hopes he had had, and how they were all dying away, and a lump came in his throat and tears in his eyes and he blurted out: "But please, please-won't you-can't you give me something that will cure my Mother?"

Up till then he had been looking at the Lion's great feet and the huge claws on them; now, in his despair, he looked up at its face. What he saw surprised him as much as anything in his whole life. For the tawny face was bent down near his own and (wonder of wonders) great shining tears stood in the Lion's eyes. They were such big, bright tears compared with Digory's own that for a moment he felt as if the Lion must really be sorrier about his Mother than he was himself.    

"My son, my son,’ said Aslan. ‘I know. Grief is great. Only you and I in this land know that yet. Let us be good to one another."

For a time after Matthias' death I was like Digory staring at the Lion's massive paws and terrible claws.  I understood God's sovereign right to give a baby and then take him away again.  I knew God's power and His inscrutable ways were not mine to question and His purposes not mine to understand.  As I was thrashing around in my agony and burdened down by grief, I was unable to look into His face.  But then one day I did.

One day I cried out from a heart full of pain,

"You took him!  You took him from me!"

And there was anger and accusation there.  In those words I was telling God, "You don't love me.  You just do your holy, mysterious thing without regard to how it affects us puny humans.  Do you know what you did to me when you took my baby?  Do you even care about my tears?"

And in that despair I finally looked up into His face, and I also was surprised more than anything in my whole life.  For I too saw the tears in His eyes and in a moment I knew that there was a sense in which He was sorrier about the death of my little baby than I was myself.  Is it not a wonder!?

He knew.  He understood how great grief is.  He was sorry for me, for my loss, for every tear I shed.  He was grieved for me.  His heart broke for the weight of sadness I carried.

Yes, He has great claws.  Yes, He took Matthias.  It is true that I do not understand His purposes or His ways.  He can give and take life in the blink of an eye, and yet He is saddened by the death of a little baby.  And yet He saw each tear I cried in the dark of the night and they mattered.

Do you remember when Jesus' friend Lazarus died?  Jesus delayed in coming to him when Lazarus was sick, so that Lazarus would die.  Jesus also knew that He was going to raise Lazarus from the dead that very day, in order to display the power of God.  And yet when he reached Lazarus' tomb and saw the great grief of Lazarus' sisters Mary and Martha, he wept.  Why did he weep?  Jesus was in control of Lazarus' death! In a sense Jesus wanted Lazarus to die!  And not only that, but He knew Lazarus would be alive again to be reunited with his sisters in a matter of moments.  But He loved Mary and Martha.  Their tears mattered to Him.  Their great grief broke His heart and He wept for their pain.

That was the day when I looked into His face and saw His tears for me.  I went to Richard, almost afraid to ask, and said,

"Is God sad that Matthias died?"

Such a theologically ambiguous question that my rational, precise husband could have answered with a long and technical answer.  But he didn't.  He said, "Yes, He's sad."

Sometimes I still struggle in my grief.  Sometimes I wonder again if the 36-hour life of a little baby boy matters to the God of the universe.  Sometimes I again cry out, "Why did you take him?"  Sometimes I'm not sure if I am loved and held.  But then, like Digory, I remember the shining tears and I am sure.

He [Digory] was very sad and he wasn’t even sure all the time that he had done the right thing; but whenever he remembered the shining tears in Aslan’s eyes he became sure.

Remembering Matthias 5 Years Later

This is a card I sent out this year to commemorate Matthias' 5th birthday and to thank many people who walked with us through that time. God has blessed us so much with people willing to enter into this grief and walk that path with us. Thank you! And thank you to those who have read Matthias' story and remembered him with us each year. We are blessed to hear his name spoken and have our dear son remembered and loved.

I'd Rather Be with You!

Make video montages at www.OneTrueMedia.com

The song is called "Italy, France" by Jade Lundgren and can be purchased here: http://www.reverbnation.com/jadelundgren

Mother's Day: At Matthias' Grave

Richard surprised me on Mother's Day with a trip to our little Matthias' grave. It was exactly what my heart was longing for, and he knew it! The day before, Richard had been giving the boys their summer haircuts and all of a sudden God gave me an image in my mind of almost-five-year-old Matthias getting his summer haircut too. I saw him standing there with his brothers, waiting for his turn on the chair, then enjoying his post-haircut sucker. It was so strikingly clear for just a moment, and it pierced my heart. Although it made my heart ache with sadness and longing for Matthias, it was also a gift...

So on Sunday we brought a picnic lunch to the graveyard where Matthias is buried and tended his grave. Last year we installed his headstone and I love how it looks, with his little hand prints and foot prints.

The grass had overgrown it a bit and it needed to be wiped off, so we took some time to tend it. It was a sweet time and I was blessed by the whole day. Mother's Day in this fallen world holds many tears and much heartache, as well as joy, for many people. For me there will always be the joy that comes from the fullness and blessings of my earthly children, and the sadness and longing for my little Matthias who I held so briefly.

My Babies

It's hard for me to believe I've had FIVE such wonderful children. God is so good! I have been richly blessed and I pray that I will always see these children as a heritage from the Lord and not take them for granted or view them as a burden.

He makes the barren woman abide in the house
As a joyful mother of children.
Praise the LORD!
Psalm 113:8-9

Grace 4.17.99

Matthias 8.9.05

Moses 6.25.06

Judah 2.19.08

Clementine 10.22.09

How I love these dear children!

Brothers

These two boys are very different, but both so funny and so much fun! We've often wondered what Matthias would have been like and what life would be like with him here. Moses and Judah have enriched our lives incredibly since the loss of Matthias, but they can never take his place. Matthias will always be missed while we walk this earth.

Moses looking through his "glasses."

Summer haircuts.

Cute boys!

Moses doing his cheesy smile for the camera,
and Judah much more reserved. I want to eat them both!

Matthias' Grave

So, it's been 4 years and we just this last week put in Matthias' permanent grave marker. It's a long story why it's taken so long, including, among other things, problems with the cemetery and my own issues with finding/designing/affording exactly the right stone. Matthias' grave is the only thing on earth I have to care for and tend for him. I could not feel happy putting a Precious Moments angel with the words "Playing in God's Garden" on it. I had in my mind what I wanted and it had to be just right. And - finally!- it is.

Richard and I both felt badly that there's only been a temporary marker at Matthias' grave for this long, but the very special thing that has come as a result is that Matthias' two little brothers were able to help Richard and Grace install the headstone! It was so precious and dear to watch all three kids work on it.

Some of you who were at Matthias' funeral may remember that Richard had the privilege and blessing of digging his son's grave. That was very unexpected, but it turned out to be something Richard has treasured - being able to work and sweat in the August heat just one time for his firstborn son. Well, installing the gravestone was a blessing, too, which Grace and I both felt well. To be able to do something so concrete here on earth for our son and brother seemed right and good.

Here are the pictures of us installing Matthias' grave marker and how it looks now:

Richard digging the space

Then the kids filled it part way with gravel to give it a firm foundation

Patting it smooth

Measuring the depth

Now some sand on top of the gravel to make the foundation very level and smooth

Richard dropped the stone in using nylon straps, in case he had to take it out again

Making sure it's level

The grass around it should grow back in quickly.

These are images of Matthias' actual handprints and footprints,
and part of Isaiah 40:11, which is a verse dear to my heart.

Grace remembering and missing her brother

I often take pictures of the kids at this monument when we visit Matthias' grave.

Grace wrote this poem and placed it by the grave:

MATTHIAS
by Grace

Matthias is born!
Let us sound the horn!

He has the sweetest little body,
I doubt he will be naughty.

He is so very sweet,
He will always be a treat.

But now he is dead,
But God is the Head.

I will always miss my brother,
Even though I have another.

Matthias Paul Mailly
8.9.05 - 8.10.05

Safe in Jesus

Blessings

I got a call today from a friend who just wanted to tell me that she was thinking of me during this time. It was such a blessing to have someone remember Matthias' birthday and to call and offer her love and support to me.

After four years, I begin to wonder if anyone else remembers that sweet little baby who grew inside me for 9 months, who was in this world for 36 hours. It always blesses my heart when someone mentions Matthias or speaks his name or remembers him in any way.

We were so incredibly blessed by the outpouring of love and support we received after Matthias died. For weeks and weeks we received cards and emails and phone calls, and that was part of what God used to sustain us in that time of grief. But now we have walked through that intense grief to a place of healing and even joy in remembering Matthias and his precious time with us, so we aren't in need of that kind of support.

However, there are a few people in my life who continue to remember Matthias every year, who call or send a card or email just to tell me they know and remember and care. I am so thankful for them! They are not afraid to hear me speak of my sadness or to enter into it to a certain extent. And they give me this double gift: caring for me in a time of grief, and remembering my little baby with me.

Thank you, dear friends!

Remembering Matthias

It will be four years on Sunday since our sweet baby Matthias left our arms and went to the arms of Jesus, and as always this is a hard week, and month, for me. The memories flood back so quickly and although I am not walking through that intense pain anymore (thank God that He brings us through that to a place of healing!), even the memory of it is painful. I feel sure that there will be a deep sadness in my heart forever, until the day when "He will wipe away every tear from our eyes; and there will no longer be any death; there will no longer be any mourning, or crying, or pain." (Revelation 21:4) Until then I hold a grief that has been comforted but not erased.

Yesterday was Matthias' due date and I remember it coming and going, four years ago, and wondering if I would be pregnant forever. I didn't know that in four more days I would meet my baby and in five more days I would let him go again. What would we do if we knew beforehand of the suffering that about to come upon us?

I'm sure I'll be posting more in the coming days, but I wanted to share a few things. First, here is Matthias' story. I would be honored if you would read it if you haven't already, and share in his life and death with me.

Also, here is a photo montage of his brief life and images of his precious face:

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Since Matthias' death, I have been receiving newsletters from a wonderful organization called M.E.N.D (Mothers Enduring Neonatal Death). A recent issue of their newsletter was about sibling grief and Grace wrote and submitted her thoughts on losing her brother. You can download the issue in pdf and read it here.

Lastly, I read today the blog of a family from our church who recently lost their only son at nine months old. Some of the events of little Micah's death reminded me of when Matthias died, such as having to make the decision to remove life support and then holding your son as his spirit leaves his body. My heart goes out to these bereft parents as they struggle through their grief. Would you take a moment to read about their sweet Micah, say a prayer for them and perhaps send them a word of encouragement?

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.

For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows. If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer.

And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort."

~2 Corinthians 1:3-7

Matthias' Story

Although I've shared the journal I kept in the months following Matthias' death, I realize many of you may not know Matthias' story, and I've never actually posted about what happened to him. It was what doctors call "a fluke", but what we know to be an inscrutable part of God's holy, wise and loving plan.

Sometimes I am tempted to think back on that day and grieve over the "what ifs" and the "if onlys," wondering if there was anything I could have done to have prevented Matthias' death. But that is a pointless grief and a wasted wondering.

"I am God. Even from eternity I am He, And there is none who can deliver out of My hand; I act and who can reverse it?" "See now that I myself am He! There is no god besides me. I put to death and I bring to life, I have wounded and I will heal, and no one can deliver out of my hand."

God decided to take Matthias to Himself, and who am I to think I could have prevented Matthias' death? It saves me from a lot of unnecessary guilt and is a comfort to my heart to know that God knew from eternity past the number of Matthias' days. Matthias lived his life in exactly the way that his loving Father planned.

"My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

"Your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."

~Psalm 139:15-16



Here is his story:

My pregnancy with Matthias was completely normal and both baby and I were healthy and strong. I went into labor at 5:30 Tuesday morning, August 9th. It was 4 days past my due date and I was starting to think Matthias would never be born! I had started having contractions the week before but they had stopped after I took a bath. I decided to try a bath again, but this time the contractions didn’t stop! I tried to lie back down in bed but was too uncomfortable. Richard got up to go to work, but we weren’t sure if he should go or not. He timed my contractions for about 45 minutes and they were 5-6 minutes apart. We decided to call my parents and sister and have them come over to be with 6-year-old Grace.

Soon my contractions were strong enough to make me very uncomfortable and I was anxious to get to the hospital. My dad and my sister Stephanie were stuck in morning rush hour, so I tried to stay busy making sure our bags were packed and that we had some snack along. Grace seemed a bit worried about me, so I tried not to look too uncomfortable. When Grandpa Mike and Steph arrived, we kissed Grace goodbye and hurried out the door. It was nearing 8:00. Contractions were two minutes apart and I could only focus on breathing through them.

Richard peeled out of the driveway and roared onto Interstate 94 like Jason Bourne. Dodging and weaving through traffic, I just shut my eyes and braced myself. I trusted Richard’s driving…mostly. I did glance at the speedometer once, but when I saw it inching past 100 mph, I thought it best not to look anymore. We arrived at Woodwinds Hospital in record time. Richard got a wheelchair for me and we headed to the Maternity Care Center.

Quickly I was taken to a room, dressed in a gown and hooked up to an external fetal monitor and an I.V. for antibiotics. Richard held my hand and tried to keep me as comfortable as possible. Contractions were VERY intense by now, one on top of the other, and all I wanted was the strength to get through the next one. Running through my head was a verse from "O Worship the King":

“Thy bountiful care, what tongue can recite?
It breathes in the air, it shines in the light.
It streams from the hills, it descends to the plains,
and sweetly distills in the dew and the rain.”

Then I got up to use the bathroom and this is when the doctors think Matthias’ cord became pinched and he started to lose oxygen. I got back into bed and a nurse came to check on me. She glanced at the fetal heart rate monitor and said, “Uh Oh, what happened?” Matthias’ heart rate was plummeting.

Just then my midwife rushed in. (She had also been caught in traffic.) She tried having me change positions to get the heart rate up, but nothing worked. I sensed that my midwife and nurses were worried, but I could hardly focus on anything other than getting through the contractions. When my midwife broke my water and saw a lot of meconium staining, she called for the doctor and told Richard they needed to do an emergency C-section.

As they wheeled me to the OR, I felt a huge urge to push. I told the nurse but she didn’t answer, so I pushed! I pushed again a couple times in the OR as they were prepping and one doctor told me not to. Yeah, right! Then they decided to let me go ahead and deliver Matthias. Two more big pushes and he was out. Richard, who had not been allowed in before that, came in moments after Matthias was delivered. I didn’t know it at the time, but Matthias had been born without a heartbeat and not breathing.

Immediately they began resuscitation and were able to get his heart beating. I hadn’t yet seen Matthias, as he was surrounded by doctors and the resuscitation team. Richard came to my side and told me, “He’s not breathing.” I just nodded. I felt like the worst was over. The contractions were over, Matthias was delivered; the doctors were taking care of him. I felt sure everything would be fine now. I was able to glance at Matthias as they wheeled me out of the OR and back into my room. He looked beautiful to me.

After Matthias was born, he needed to be transferred to a different hospital. The one at which we delivered did not have an NICU, so they transported him to the University hospital in downtown Minneapolis.

I don’t remember the time right after delivery very well. I remember that when they were ready to take Matthias, they brought him into my room for me to see. He was in a transport unit, all hooked up to oxygen and tubes. I lay on my bed and looked over at my baby. He was so beautiful. He looked just like I knew he would, just like my own sweet baby.

We decided Richard would go with Matthias and I would follow as soon as I could. The Neonatal Nurse Practitioner had talked to us before Matthias left and had basically told us his prospects were not good, that he had been without oxygen for so long that his brain and other organs were most likely very damaged.

I took a long bath, trying to recover physically from having just given birth and emotionally from this horrible and completely unexpected turn of events. My mom and sister sat with me, and as I sat in the bath, it sunk in that Matthias would probably die. I felt so tired, and I felt that there was no use fighting against my baby's inevitable death. My body and mind were both in complete shock.

Richard and one of my brothers were at the NICU with Matthias, and two pastors from Bethlehen with whom we were very close were there too. Both the pastors had “happened” to be at church for a meeting that morning when the call about Matthias came into the church. Thank you Lord, for that!

Within a few hours I felt strong enough to leave the hospital where I delivered and go to Matthias. Stephanie came with me and my mom went to our house to be with Grace, who had spent the morning with Grandma Vickie, Uncle Mark and his girlfriend Heather. It was pouring rain when we left, a thunderous summer deluge. It seemed fitting.

I remember walking into the NICU, seeing all the tiny babies, and then seeing Matthias. I knew him instantly! I could have picked my baby out of a thousand. Richard was sitting next to the little isolette with his hand on Matthias’ chest.

During the ambulance ride Matthias had begun to convulse. To me he looked like he couldn’t take a breath; like a little child who has cried too long. It was horrible to watch his little body seize up and not be able to do anything. Richard knew what to do, though. He prayed over that tiny body every time it convulsed until it let up.


Matthias was hooked up to so many wires and tubes. He had a diaper on loosely, but no clothes, and he had blood around his bellybutton where an umbilical catheter was inserted. He lay totally limp, except for the periodic convulsions. Eventually the doctors gave him a drug to paralyze his little body so it couldn't seize up anymore and then he just laid there, looking as if her were peacefully sleeping, but with a machine breathing for him. He never moved or cried or opened his eyes.

In the NICU, we had several meetings with Matthias’ doctors. They were very honest with us about his prognosis. Most likely his little body would not be able to survive much longer. If he did survive he would be completely brain dead; - blind, deaf, eating and breathing through machines. They gently advised removing life support.

Richard and I agonized over such a decision. We were honestly terrified of having a severely handicapped son, but we wanted to be able to trust the Lord even in that. So we prayed, sought council and waited.

Soon it became clear that Matthias would not live. He was on maximum doses of medication and still his little body was failing. Now it was not a matter of if he would die, but when.

With breaking hearts, we asked our families and a few close friends to gather with us on the evening of Wednesday, August 10th. We all spent a precious time holding Matthias, singing hymns, reciting scripture and praying.

Then pastor John Erickson lead Richard and I in dedicating our son, Matthias Paul, to the Lord.















“Matthias, together with your parents
who love you dearly,
and this people who care about
the outcome of your faith,
I dedicate you to God,
surrendering together with them
all wordly claim upon your life
in the hope that you will belong
wholly to God forever.”

After that everyone left except for Pastor Erickson, Pastor Sherard, my parents and our dear friends the Lundgrens. Holding my sweet baby in my arms, born a scant 36 hours earlier, I said goodbye.

The nurse removed his breathing tube and slowly his little heart stopped beating. His Papa placed his hand over Matthias‘ chest and felt the beating grow fainter and fainter and finally stop.

I was left holding his body; his spirit we gave to Jesus.