Breastfeeding Beyond Infancy

Almost 12 years ago, I was a single 20-year-old mother living with family friends and figuring out how to take care of a little baby. I was working full time. I was not breastfeeding. There are a lot of other things I could say about that time, but that's a different post. What I want to bring up about that time is that the wonderful, generous, loving family who was letting me live in their basement with my 3-month old baby for free had some parenting practices that I thought a little weird.

They had a Family Bed. The mom nursed her children until they were 3 years old. The youngest of their three children was about 3 years old when I lived with them and she was the most articulate and loquacious toddler I had ever met. To me there was something very disconcerting about hearing her talk in complex and complete sentences, using words like "invalid", "governess", and "disagreeable" (true!!) one minute, and then having "Milk and Cuddles" the next. It just seemed "wrong" to me, though I couldn't make an argument as to WHY it was wrong (can anyone say cultural programming?) and I remember confidently (and arrogantly) pronouncing, "If they're old enough to ask for it they're too old to nurse!" To my mind, nothing could be worse than growing up and being able to remember nursing. Eeeew!

Fast forward 6 years. Moses is born, and I have something of a "natural parenting" mindset, but it has yet to flesh out. We're using cloth diapers, I carry him in a sling, he sleeps in bed with us and I know I'll nurse him for a year. Then he turns one. He's no where near being ready to wean. In fact, he still seems like - he still is -  a baby in most ways and I see no reason to put him through the misery that weaning would entail, any more than I would suddenly insist that he start using the toilet instead of going in his diapers. He's just not ready!

We decide to "play it by ear." At 20 months old his little brother is born. Instead of being pushed off Mama's lap, he gets to nurse with this new little sibling. They share Mama. Moses holds his brother's hand and rubs his head as they tandem nurse. The jealous older sibling rages I've been dreading never happen. They love each other! (Until Judah becomes a toddler, then we have a whole other ball of wax to deal with....)

Now Moses is two. He's still nursing for naps, bedtime, anytime he gets hurt, anytime he's scared, anytime he goes through something emotionally difficult, anytime he needs connection. He's not ready to wean and I see no reason to insist that he does, any more than I would insist that he put himself to bed at night.

Finally it's a couple months before Moses turns three. I've been tandem nursing for over a year. I'm pregnant again. I cannot handle the thought of tandem nursing through a whole pregnancy. Moses is still nursing at bedtime and naptime and various other times during the day, as is Judah. I decide IT'S TIME. HE'S READY! The kid is not going to wean himself, but he's emotionally ready to handle the change. He's ready to move on to forms of comfort and connection that do not involve nursing. 

I introduce the concept of "nums are for night-night." This means we only nurse at bedtime. With only a little fuss, he accepts that boundary. So far so good. Several weeks go by during which I'm preparing him for the change. "Soon you will be done with nums! You're a big boy and we're going to give the nums to Judah and the new baby. Mama will still cuddle you and read you stories." Does he understand what's coming? I'm not sure, but one night I tell him he's all done with nums. He's sad. He cries. I cuddle him and read him a story. It's not as good as nums, but he does go to sleep. For about a week he is sad when I tell him no nums. A few times he gets hurt and I let him have some nums, but mostly I spend a lot of time cuddling and connecting with him. Then it's over! He's weaned! He stops being sad at night and stops asking for nums. Once or twice he asks and I tell him sure and he says, "I guess no." There were no tantrums, no acting out, no sobbing hysterically. He cried a little here and there, but he pretty much accepted it and moved on with no hard feelings. 

All in all, Moses and I had a beautiful and satisfying nursing relationship. Besides giving him perfect nutrition and great immune defense (he's always been super healthy - much more so than Grace ever was!), nursing gave Moses a sense of comfort when life got scary, it calmed him down when his feelings got too intense, it lulled him to sleep, and it gave him the connection he always needed after he'd been out exploring the world. Nursing kept me physically available to Moses. I wonder how much less touch and physical connection we would have had in those 3 years if I hadn't nursed him. I see it now, how nursing Judah and Clementine forces me to touch and hold and connect with them - forces in a good way, in a I-can't-get-too-busy-and-just-forget-to-cuddle-my-kids way. And now that Moses isn't nursing, I do

So here I am, a mom who nurses her kids to 3 years old. Is it gross? No. Is it "wrong"? No. Was I uninformed and naive and arrogantly passing judgment on something based solely on unexamined cultural biases? Yep, pretty much. And although I'm not hugely outspoken about my extended breastfeeding, neither am I ashamed of it, at all. So just in case you think breastfeeding past a year is weird or gross, or maybe you don't want to wean your 1-year-old but don't know anyone who's nursed that long, I'm sharing my story and some really good resources. And you know what? I hope my kids do remember nursing, and how incredibly special it was. I'm proud to have given 3 of my children such a precious gift.

P.S. - Judah turns three in February and we're in the weaning process. He's handling it differently than Moses did (they are SUCH different kids...), but he also is accepting it without tantrums or despair or sobbing. He's ready too.

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A great place to start: Kellymom Breastfeeding Past Infancy Fact Sheet

If you think it's gross, read this: Not Just for Babies: 10 Good Reasons to Breastfeed Your Toddler

References, links, common concerns and tips on parenting a nursing toddler: Kellymom Nursing After the First Year

The best book under the sun for anyone who nurses past a year:

Mothering Your Nursing Toddler. This book has saved my sanity and changed how I view mothering. I would love to loan it out, but it's really, really worth owning.

"My first-born, Emma, was 14 months old. I had enrolled in a course, and, with the feeling of my life opening up again, had begun to wean. It was at that time that I read a book called Mothering Your Nursing Toddler. Starting with the assumption that extended breastfeeding is satisfying for both mother and child, the author, Norma Jane Bumgarner writes of the security, confidence and self-esteem that we give our children when we allow them to nurse, and wean, according to their own schedule. She certainly convinced me, and Emma and I went on to nurse happily for three more years.
Re-reading the book six years later, her message seems less radical. My three keen nurslings have, to me, well proven the benefits of an extended breastfeeding relationship, with a physical resilience and emotional independence that comes, I believe, from the access to loving arms and the secure base that breastfeeding provides. Over the years I have also learned about the more tangible advantages of extended nursing..."
The Pleasure of Extended Breastfeeding by Sarah J. Buckley

A super cool video on extended breastfeeding. I big puffy heart love this video:

This is a goldmine, a serious goldmine: LLLI Nursing Past One Year Articles

For those who might feel isolated, you're not alone: Breastfeeding Until Age 3, 4 or 5: More common than you think?

Oh the things I've heard about breastfeeding past a year. It helps to know: Dr. Sears - Handling the Criticism

Other moms talk about nursing past a year: Health Happy Roundup: Extended Breastfeeding

Every one of these is worth reading start to finish: Mothering.com Breastfeeding Past Infancy Articles

One of the first articles I read about extended breastfeeding: Breastfeed a Toddler? Why on Earth?

Think there's no point in nursing past a year? You couldn't be more wrong: Extended Breastfeeding's Benefits

This one speaks for itself:Breastfeeding Beyond a Year: Exploring benefits, cultural influences, and more

This article broke my heart and renewed my confidence all at the same time. It's not a list of the research and benefits, but to my mind it's even more convincing: A Nursing Triad

Breastfeeding and Return to Fertility

Ever since Moses was born I've been fascinated with the connection between breastfeeding and fertility.  Everyone from your Ob-Gyn to the authors of parenting magazines and email newsletters warn you not to use breastfeeding for birth control!  And I'm sure we've all heard someone share about how they got pregnant while breastfeeding - or maybe that's you!  So I think it's common to believe that breastfeeding has no affect on fertility, when in reality that's not entirely true.

I am reading a great book called, "Breastfeeding and Natural Child Spacing" by Sheila Kippley.  It's incredibly informative and interesting, especially if like me you're not keen on using chemical/hormonal means of preventing pregnancy or spacing babies.  It turns out that many women who conceive while breastfeeding or who experience a very early return of fertility (before 6 months) are practicing "Cultural breastfeeding", while the best way to postpone return of fertility is through "Ecological Breastfeeding".   Ecological breastfeeding is more than just feeding your child from your breasts; it's a whole method of infant and mother care that involves all aspects of how the mother and child relate.  (Here's a summary of the principles of ecological breastfeeding.)  The seven basic standards are:

1. Breastfeed exclusively for the first six months of life; don’t use other liquids and solids, not even water.
2. Pacify or comfort your baby at your breasts.
3. Don’t use bottles and don’t use pacifiers.
4. Sleep with your baby for night feedings.
5. Sleep with your baby for a daily-nap feeding.
6. Nurse frequently day and night, and avoid schedules.
7. Avoid any practice that restricts nursing or separates you from your baby. 

Copyright © 1972, 1999, 2008 by Sheila Kippley, author of The Seven Standards of Ecological Breastfeeding; Breastfeeding and Natural Child Spacing; and Breastfeeding and Catholic Motherhood and co-author of Natural Family Planning: The Complete Approach. Permission is given to copy this sheet provided it is reproduced in full. www.NFPandmore.org

In my own experience, I have followed all these principles except #5.  (I did/do many days lay down to nurse the baby to sleep for a nap, but unfortunately I usually then get up instead of napping myself. =[ )  With Moses I abruptly and drastically cut out a couple daytime nursings when he started solids at 5 months and my cycle returned at 6 months.  I conceived again when Moses was 10 months old, and continued to nurse him.  Judah was not interested in solids until around 7-8 months and my cycle retuned at 8 months.  I was tandem nursing Moses and Judah, and I got pregnant again when Judah was 10 months old.  Moses weaned just before his 3rd birthday, while I was nursing Judah & pregnant with Clementine.  Clementine is now going on 11 months old and has been eating table food for about 2 1/2 months.  I'm tandem nursing Judah and Clementine and have yet to experience a return in fertility.

Anyway, it's safe to say that not only is each woman very different as to what kind of practices will suppress her fertility, but each woman can be different with each successive child!  There's no way to 100% guarantee a certain number of infertile months, but at the very least you can increase your chances of greater space between children by following the Seven Standards.

If you're interested, there is a very cool article over at one of my favorite blogs, Keeper of the Home about this subject.  She did a poll of her readers about breastfeeding and fertility and analyzed the resulting information.  A lot of food for thought!  She comes to the conclusion that probably most North American women do not practice Ecological Breastfeeding, but also that perhaps there are other factors like nutrition, exercise/obesity, and environmental toxins that affect our early returns to fertility.  Definitely worth checking out!

One thing her results did show is that the women who breastfed for more than a year were more likely to experience delayed fertility - one more plug for extended breastfeeding!  =]

I'd love to hear your experiences with breastfeeding and fertility!

Ecological Breastfeeding Summary

The Seven Standards Summary
ECOLOGICAL BREASTFEEDING AND NATURAL CHILD SPACING PROGRAM


Basic Principles

1. Frequent and unrestricted nursing is the primary factor in producing natural lactation amenorrhea and infertility. (Lactation amenorrhea is the absence of menstruation due to breastfeeding.)
2. Ecological breastfeeding (EBF) according to the Seven Standards almost always provides this frequent nursing and natural infertility. It is that type of baby care which follows the natural mother-baby relationship. It avoids the use of artifacts and mother substitutes; it follows the baby-initiated patterns. EBF is the norm and offers many built-in benefits, one of which is extended natural infertility. A lengthy postpartum amenorrhea is the norm.
3. The following Seven Standards help to ensure the frequent nursing.

The Seven Standards: Phase 1 of Ecological Breastfeeding

This phase almost invariably produces natural infertility as long as the program is complete.

1. Breastfeed exclusively for the first six months of life; don’t use other liquids and solids, not even water.
2. Pacify or comfort your baby at your breasts.
3. Don’t use bottles and don’t use pacifiers.
4. Sleep with your baby for night feedings.
5. Sleep with your baby for a daily-nap feeding.
6. Nurse frequently day and night, and avoid schedules.
7. Avoid any practice that restricts nursing or separates you from your baby.

Phase 1 is the time of exclusive breastfeeding and thus usually lasts six to eight months.

The Six Standards: Phase 2 of Ecological Breastfeeding

• Phase 2 of EBF begins when your baby starts taking solids or liquids other than breast milk. 
• You begin to give liquids when your baby shows an interest in the cup, usually after six months.
• Aside from Standard #1, the other Six Standards of Phase 1 will remain operative until the baby gradually loses interest in breastfeeding. Phase 2 is a situation in which the frequency and amount of nursing is 1) not decreased at all at first, and 2) lessened only gradually at baby’s pace. Phase 2 is frequently longer than Phase 1 with regard to natural infertility if EBF continues with frequent and unrestricted nursing.

Return of Fertility

        The First 6 Months. The first 8 weeks postpartum for the exclusively breastfeeding mother are so infertile that in 1988 scientists agreed that any vaginal bleeding during the first 56 days postpartum can be ignored for determining amenorrhea or fertility for the exclusively breastfeeding mother. This rule applies to the EBF mother.
       During the first 3 months postpartum, the chance of pregnancy occurring is practically nil if the EBF mother remains in amenorrhea. Because of the above paragraph, this means the mother has no menstrual bleeding after the 56th postpartum day.
       During the next 3 months postpartum, there is only a 1% chance of pregnancy if the EBF mother continues to remain in amenorrhea.
       After 6 months. For the nursing mother there is about a 6% chance of pregnancy occurring prior to the first menstruation. This assumes no fertility awareness and unrestricted intercourse. This risk can be reduced to close to 1% through the techniques of systematic natural family planning—observing the signs of fertility and abstaining accordingly.


Natural Spacing by Breastfeeding Alone

About 70% of EBF mothers experience their first menstruation between 9 and 20 months postpartum. The average return of menstruation for EBF mothers in the North American culture is between 14 and 15 months. For those couples who desire 18 to 30 months between the births of their children, ecological breastfeeding will usually be sufficient.




Copyright © 1972, 1999, 2008 by Sheila Kippley, author of The Seven Standards of Ecological Breastfeeding; Breastfeeding and Natural Child Spacing; and Breastfeeding and Catholic Motherhood and co-author of Natural Family Planning: The Complete Approach. Permission is given to copy this sheet provided it is reproduced in full. 

www.NFPandmore.org

Nursing Cover Project and Farewell to a Friend

One of my dearest friends departs today with her family to travel across the country for a few weeks and then, God willing, to leave for long-term missions overseas. I am both very excited for her to finally be going to the country and people her heart longs to reach for the Gospel of Jesus, and very sad to be losing a dear friend whom I won't see again for many years.

Kellie has been a friend of mine from the birth of her first child 5 years ago through the birth of her most recent (4th!) little one, whose birth I had the privilege of attending! She was a support for me when Matthias died and has been a comfort in the years since. She never shies away from mentioning Matthias by name, remembering him and listening when I need to talk. I love her so much for that!

Kellie cooks the most incredible Indian cuisine. There have actually been fights over the leftovers at our Small Group. I will definitely miss her Chicken Biryani!

I have loved seeing Kellie's heart for the "T" people in Asia where she and her family will be going. These are a basically unreached people, with no healthy, reproducing church, less than .05% known Christians, and only one Christian there who knows the language well enough to present the Gospel! They are truly lost, and Kellie passionately wants to share the truth of the Good News of Christ with them.

I am really going to miss Kellie. I'm thankful for technology like email and Skype that will let us stay in touch, but more comforting than that is knowing that (as C.S. Lewis said), "Christians never really say goodbye."

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As a parting gift for Kellie, I made her a reversible nursing cover from an online tutorial at Shannon Makes Stuff.

I was looking for orange because I know she loves that color. The multicolor print is from Amy Butler's Belle collection and I bought it at Crafty Planet in Minneapolis. The solid orange was something I found in the quilting section at Joann's.

I really like this pattern. The boning at the top is slightly longer than most tutorials call for and I think that helps it not flop down onto your chest. Also, this is the only pattern I've found that uses a loop and tie for the neck strap instead of D-rings and I like that way more! The neck strap is also wider, which I think is more comfortable. I made Kellie's a little bit bigger than what this tutorial called for, because I know she's like me and would appreciate having any side and tummy rolls covered! Even with a squirmy baby, I think this one will do the trick.

Being reversible makes it a tad bit heavier, but it didn't seem like it would be too hot when I tested it.

I actually liked this style so much that I took apart my nursing cover I made months ago and remade it like this one! I love it.




Kellie, think of me when you nurse your babe! I love you and will miss you!

Rest and Recuperatoin

Thanks to everyone for the kindly offers during this crazy time! I've just returned from sending a few days at my parent's farm in Wisconsin with the kids. It is such a blessing to have them living fairly nearby, and not just because they give me a break with the kids and some adult conversation while my husband is working around the clock. They also come in super handy when you come down with a nasty case of Mastitis and start running a 102º temperature and you can't walk down the stairs and you have a nursing infant and a two year old. Even with Grace making meals and changing diapers, I needed serious help!

I got plenty of help, rest and company while I waited for the antibiotics to take effect. Moses mowed grass with Grandpa on the riding lown mower SEVERAL times and Grace did many fun and creative activities with Grandma while I ate good food I didn't have to cook, drank tea, rested, read books, and barely had to do a thing with the kids. I have made a full recovery at this time.

Thanks, Mom and Dad!

Breastfeeding Really Does Save Lives

This amazing woman is breastfeeding EIGHT precious babies who were either orphaned or whose mothers can't nurse them anymore. What a beautiful thing she is doing! It made my eyes well up to think of these little ones, so dependent and needy, being held and nurtured and fed during such a traumatic time. May God bless her for serving "the least of these."