Tomorrow is my sweet baby Matthias' second birthday. Although it has been two years since I have seen his face or touched his small body, he is exceedingly real and precious to me.
I read this article yesterday by a woman on the eve of her dead baby's 2nd birthday. She writes what I feel as well. That the death of her baby just before birth seemed an impossible thing to face. "Yet our journey continues two years later, and I am forever grateful for it." I long for my baby. I miss him. His death is still very painful. And at the same time I am grateful for what God did through his death. I know His love in a way I couldn't before, and I would never want to trade that. So here I am, stuck in a paradox.
This paragraph especially echoed my parting with the baby I had carried for nine months:
"I could never fully describe the feeling of watching my child leave me and knowing with great certainty that I would never see her again. I had a pain in my chest, an emptiness and hurt, that engulfed me. When Judy first began to take her away, with our permission, I felt my body begin to shake uncontrollably. I could not bear that this was the beginning of the rest of my life without Charlotte. I cried out—I needed her back—and Judy brought her to me. I buried my face in Charlotte's little chest and sobbed, telling her again and again how much I loved her. Every ounce of my being longed to keep her, to mother her, to love her here on earth. But I could not."
Letting him go was the hardest thing I have ever done. I am able now to be comforted by the words of C.S. Lewis, that Christians never really say goodbye. But I wasn't able to be comforted by that then. I was so completely broken-hearted that I didn't know I was being held.
melissa, this is so very beautiful. i love your heart, i have loved watching you process this, and continually returning to the Lord. Thank you! reading this means so much to me, you bless me in ways you will never know.
ReplyDelete~kellie